Marriage is the Greatest Adventure

Last week I discussed at some length the relationships I have with in-laws and the problems that can come from blending two different backgrounds. I have been very blessed in my family relationships. I think I actually fell in love with my mother and father-in-law before I fell in love with my husband. I remember one time when I was considering my future with my then boyfriend, I thought to myself, "but if I don't marry him I won't have Dick and Miriam as my in-laws!"  After I got married I felt complete support from them, in fact, they would tell my husband, "if anything ever happens in your marriage, we're keeping her!"  I always felt so loved and never judged. They set such a great example for me as my daughters started to marry and I began welcoming in-laws into my own family.  I have really tried to honor and encourage my children to be independent as they begin their own families, even when that means they won't be at all of our family e...

One of the things I have struggled with most since becoming an empty nester is how to be a supportive, involved mother and grandmother without stepping over my bounds. I want to be a positive influence on my grandchildren, I want my children to know I pray for them, love them, and support them in all the good they do, and yet I know it's important to let them be there own independent family.        Richard Miller in his article, "Who is the boss? Power Relationships in Families", teaches that when children become adults, "the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them."  I remember when we dropped off my oldest daughter for college. We hugged, shed a few tears, and drove off.  About 10 minutes later I got a call from her, "Mom," she said, "some kids are going up to a barn for a hot dog roast and games, is it OK if I go?" I laug...

A good friend of mine had her house raided last month by FBI Child Exploitation Service Task Force and her husband arrested for Child pornography. Of course, this totally took my friend by surprise and to say it turned her life upside down is a gross understatement. Suddenly, without warning, she has lost her husband, her four children have lost their father and there is no life insurance, retirement, child support, etc. to help her pick up the pieces and move on. It turns out her husband has been addicted to pornography since he was 12 and was too afraid to tell anyone because he was so embarrassed and didn't want to lose his family. Now he has lost everything. When it comes to pornography, I want to be an ostrich and stick my head in the sand! But I know I can't, especially after watching what has happened with my friend. This is a quote from her  Facebook  post, " The one message I would like to get out at this moment, is this: If you have any kind of involve...

I really enjoyed both of the text books that we have read for my marriage class.  I think they mesh really well together. I think Gottman, in his book "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," gave us hope for making our imperfect marriages work with specific ways to attack issues and Goddard teaches us how to become a better individual which will automatically help our marriage in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage". My favorite chapter in Goddard's "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage," was this last chapter on charity. That really sums it all up--if we can treat our spouse with charity, I believe that almost all marriages could be fulfilled marriages.  I appreciated that he called charity a "sacred and holy gift." He encourages us to pray for this gift, recognizing that it is bestowed on us by our Heavenly Father, not just something we develop on our own. I have always recognized that charity is the "pure love OF Chris...

There is something very refreshing about Gottman's advice in his book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." I think sometimes when we are reading self-help books it seems that we have to become perfect in a specific area and often times that seems unreachable and impractical. I love Gottman's practical and realistic approach to having a successful marriage. He acknowledges that 69% of marital conflicts fall into the category of "perpetual", meaning they are not really going to go away, and yet there is great hope for a happy successful marriage.  He says, "despite what many therapists will tell you, you don't have to resolve our major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive." I think that thought can be a relief for many marriages. We are not going to become perfect anytime soon, but by using some simple principles, along with a sense of humor, we can still have a fun, beautiful, loving relationship.      I worry that...

Goddard's chapter 4 in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage," really hit home with me this week. I am ashamed to admit it, but there have been too many discussions (arguments), in our marriage when I can not see what the problem is because in my opinion, my point of view is obviously right and if my husband would just stop and see things from my viewpoint surely he would agree. I have had to learn, that many times I am NOT right, or often there's really not a right or wrong, just different ways of looking at things. Pres. Benson's timeless article on pride is something I should probably read a couple of times a year. Pride creeps in so easily and it is a constant battle, at least for me, to keep humble.  There have been many small examples in my marriage of pride entering in, but I think there is one main one. My husband decided to leave a great paying job without my support for an "opportunity" that never panned out. We were left with no jo...

I learned two important things from reading about turning toward each other in Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making  Marriage Work."  The first is that I am uncomfortable listening to others express negative emotion. I always knew I didn't like conflict but I never really realized how often I tend to shut off my husband's need to express negative emotion. Too often I try to stand up for the other person or try to get my husband to see why this negative thing happened or what he could have done to avoid it. These are all things that were specifically mentioned in the chapter to NOT do. Wow! My husband has mentioned to me before that it hurts him when I stand up for the other person, and I try not to, but reading this chapter really gave me some insights into what I'm really doing. Gottman says that this tendency to turn away from negative emotion is usually rooted in childhood. I had a wonderful childhood, but I must admit there was not a lot of ...

In Goddard's book, "Drawing Heaven into Marriage," he made a comment that really hit home for me, "Marriage is God's finishing school." That has really been the case for me. I am still a student in this "finishing school", but I have seen important changes in my life. Some qualities in my husband have been difficult for me to adjust to, for example, he spends his money very differently than I do, he makes decisions very quickly, and he is more emotionally volatile than I am. But I have come to realize that there are positive sides to these qualities that can bless my life. I tend to be too "cheap" with my money and my husband helps me to understand that it's OK to spend it if we have it. If it were up to me I would continue to buy cheap stuff that would shortly break. He has taught me that sometimes it's worth buying good quality. He is also very generous with his money and has taught me to look for ways I can help people wit...

I really enjoyed reading the introduction and first chapter of Goddard's book,  Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.   He begins by explaining, that we are all born innocent, but that is not the same as charitable. We are born into this world as a natural man (Mosiah 3:1), and our challenge here on earth is to overcome the natural man. This is always so much easier said than done.  It's great to think that we will become "submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love," until we are wrongly chastised by someone and things just "aren't fair".  Sometimes even just little things can hit us wrong and really bring out the worst in us.  Goddard says the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person.  It was the word "saintly" that really struck a chord in me. I think there are many times that I am not acting "saintly," but I sure feel justified! I realized after reading this that my relationships aren...

I started dating Steve when I was only 18, having no idea that I was dating my future husband. By the time we had been dating only a few months, Steve knew he was ready to get married.  I was scared to death! I was only 19 and had no plans of getting married so young. I kept praying about it telling God that I really enjoyed being with Steve, that I thought I loved him but I knew I was too young. I kept asking God to let me know that I was too young and should break up with Steve.  I just couldn't get an answer. Finally, after months of praying that way, I realized maybe I was asking the wrong thing. I finally prayed and told God that I knew I was young, but was this his will? Should I marry Steve? I was filled with the greatest peace and joy that I can remember.  So we did marry, Steve only 21 and me a young 19. I was lucky, Steve really was a good man. But I really was naive. I was raised in a good home by a good father and had four good brothers. I kind of just assu...

I have some family members whom I love dearly who are gay. My heart goes out to anyone who has this cross to bear, so my thoughts on the ruling of the Supreme Court regarding same-sex marriage have nothing to do with my feelings towards gay people. As I read through the majority reasoning I thought it made a lot of sense.  I took a page and a half of notes. I was pulled into the argument that all persons have the right to claim their 14th amendment rights. I was thinking that even though morally I don't agree with same-sex marriage, I couldn't argue with the legal side of things. But as I read through the arguments of the Dissenters I realized I had fallen to the "cunning plan of the evil one" that they that are "learned they think they are wise and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves. . . to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God." (2 Nephi 9: 28,29) I had forgotten (as h...

It was encouraging to me this week as I read an article State of Our Unions published by the Institute of American Values. Sometimes I feel like a lone voice in the wilderness as I fight for family values.  I know there are many others who care deeply about the family, but reading this article was so heartwarming to see the dedication and devotion that this organization, made up of people from all different backgrounds have. They are dedicated to one goal, to strengthen families. There was a statement in the article that said, "for the sake of today's young people and their children." Sometimes there is so much attention to the couples involved in a divorce; the why, the how, the what now, that the devasting effect divorce has on children is overlooked or greatly under appreciated. This begs the question, "Should a couple stay together for the sake of the children?" This is a tough question.  I have seen both sides and feel that the answer is sometimes ye...