Hanging in There! (Lesson 9)

There is something very refreshing about Gottman's advice in his book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." I think sometimes when we are reading self-help books it seems that we have to become perfect in a specific area and often times that seems unreachable and impractical. I love Gottman's practical and realistic approach to having a successful marriage. He acknowledges that 69% of marital conflicts fall into the category of "perpetual", meaning they are not really going to go away, and yet there is great hope for a happy successful marriage.  He says, "despite what many therapists will tell you, you don't have to resolve our major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive." I think that thought can be a relief for many marriages. We are not going to become perfect anytime soon, but by using some simple principles, along with a sense of humor, we can still have a fun, beautiful, loving relationship.

     I worry that too often many couples think they are supposed to have a perfect marriage or all is lost. How sad when they can not "hang in there," to work through issues or learn to appropriately live with "issues" like Gottman teaches. Goddard in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" says that science shows the blessing of persistence. "Research found that 86 percent of those who reported being unhappy in their marriages, but who did not divorce, five years later described their marriage as either "very happy" or "quite happy."  What a sad thing if those couples had given up quickly and missed out on what now they are describing as quite or very happy!

     I have been married for 35 years and consider my marriage "extremely happy".  But it hasn't always been that way. There was a time period of several years when I really wasn't very happy with the way my marriage was. But I will eternally be grateful that both my husband and I kept at it. I love the principle of consecration in relation to marriage. I believe that if both partners are committed to both the Lord and each other, a beautiful marriage will result. Goddard says, "Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve. We become more grateful. Rather than wondering if this marriage is a good investment that will pay us a handsome return, we ask for heavenly grace that we may love and serve as Jesus served-without thought of reward. While there are destructive relationships that should end, the vast majority of relationships can survive and flourish if each of us brings our whole soul as an offering." 

     A good friend of mine grew up in a home with a lot of contention. This really scarred him. He married a woman who already had children (young teenagers), when he heard this woman speaking harshly to her children he bolted. They were only married a couple of months. Maybe this marriage never would have worked, but I wonder if he had hung in there a little longer, communicated with her how difficult it was to hear her speak unkindly to her children, tried to understand that young teenagers can be VERY frustrating, maybe this marriage could have been saved. Now about 20 years later he is still single, no children, and frustrated with life. This might not be a very good example because he came into the relationship with baggage and I don't know first hand if her communication with her children was a normal mother getting frustrated with her teenager or if it was extreme, but it is still sad to me. Elder Robbins, a leader from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints said, "The family is also Satan's primary target.  He is waging war on the family.  One of his schemes is the subtle and cunning way he has of sneaking behind lines and entering our very homes and lives.  He damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes." 

    Obviously, there are those marriages that cannot and should not survive, but those are the exception. For the rest of us, I love the hope that we can enjoy a beautiful, happy, fulfilling, but not perfect relationship in this life, knowing that things will be even more beautiful than we can imagine in the next life.