Marriage is the Greatest Adventure

One of the things I have struggled with most since becoming an empty nester is how to be a supportive, involved mother and grandmother without stepping over my bounds. I want to be a positive influence on my grandchildren, I want my children to know I pray for them, love them, and support them in all the good they do, and yet I know it's important to let them be there own independent family.        Richard Miller in his article, "Who is the boss? Power Relationships in Families", teaches that when children become adults, "the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them."  I remember when we dropped off my oldest daughter for college. We hugged, shed a few tears, and drove off.  About 10 minutes later I got a call from her, "Mom," she said, "some kids are going up to a barn for a hot dog roast and games, is it OK if I go?" I laug...

A good friend of mine had her house raided last month by FBI Child Exploitation Service Task Force and her husband arrested for Child pornography. Of course, this totally took my friend by surprise and to say it turned her life upside down is a gross understatement. Suddenly, without warning, she has lost her husband, her four children have lost their father and there is no life insurance, retirement, child support, etc. to help her pick up the pieces and move on. It turns out her husband has been addicted to pornography since he was 12 and was too afraid to tell anyone because he was so embarrassed and didn't want to lose his family. Now he has lost everything. When it comes to pornography, I want to be an ostrich and stick my head in the sand! But I know I can't, especially after watching what has happened with my friend. This is a quote from her  Facebook  post, " The one message I would like to get out at this moment, is this: If you have any kind of involve...

I really enjoyed both of the text books that we have read for my marriage class.  I think they mesh really well together. I think Gottman, in his book "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," gave us hope for making our imperfect marriages work with specific ways to attack issues and Goddard teaches us how to become a better individual which will automatically help our marriage in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage". My favorite chapter in Goddard's "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage," was this last chapter on charity. That really sums it all up--if we can treat our spouse with charity, I believe that almost all marriages could be fulfilled marriages.  I appreciated that he called charity a "sacred and holy gift." He encourages us to pray for this gift, recognizing that it is bestowed on us by our Heavenly Father, not just something we develop on our own. I have always recognized that charity is the "pure love OF Chris...

There is something very refreshing about Gottman's advice in his book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." I think sometimes when we are reading self-help books it seems that we have to become perfect in a specific area and often times that seems unreachable and impractical. I love Gottman's practical and realistic approach to having a successful marriage. He acknowledges that 69% of marital conflicts fall into the category of "perpetual", meaning they are not really going to go away, and yet there is great hope for a happy successful marriage.  He says, "despite what many therapists will tell you, you don't have to resolve our major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive." I think that thought can be a relief for many marriages. We are not going to become perfect anytime soon, but by using some simple principles, along with a sense of humor, we can still have a fun, beautiful, loving relationship.      I worry that...

Goddard's chapter 4 in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage," really hit home with me this week. I am ashamed to admit it, but there have been too many discussions (arguments), in our marriage when I can not see what the problem is because in my opinion, my point of view is obviously right and if my husband would just stop and see things from my viewpoint surely he would agree. I have had to learn, that many times I am NOT right, or often there's really not a right or wrong, just different ways of looking at things. Pres. Benson's timeless article on pride is something I should probably read a couple of times a year. Pride creeps in so easily and it is a constant battle, at least for me, to keep humble.  There have been many small examples in my marriage of pride entering in, but I think there is one main one. My husband decided to leave a great paying job without my support for an "opportunity" that never panned out. We were left with no jo...

I learned two important things from reading about turning toward each other in Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making  Marriage Work."  The first is that I am uncomfortable listening to others express negative emotion. I always knew I didn't like conflict but I never really realized how often I tend to shut off my husband's need to express negative emotion. Too often I try to stand up for the other person or try to get my husband to see why this negative thing happened or what he could have done to avoid it. These are all things that were specifically mentioned in the chapter to NOT do. Wow! My husband has mentioned to me before that it hurts him when I stand up for the other person, and I try not to, but reading this chapter really gave me some insights into what I'm really doing. Gottman says that this tendency to turn away from negative emotion is usually rooted in childhood. I had a wonderful childhood, but I must admit there was not a lot of ...