I Can't Put My Head in the Sand (Lesson 11)

A good friend of mine had her house raided last month by FBI Child Exploitation Service Task Force and her husband arrested for Child pornography. Of course, this totally took my friend by surprise and to say it turned her life upside down is a gross understatement. Suddenly, without warning, she has lost her husband, her four children have lost their father and there is no life insurance, retirement, child support, etc. to help her pick up the pieces and move on. It turns out her husband has been addicted to pornography since he was 12 and was too afraid to tell anyone because he was so embarrassed and didn't want to lose his family. Now he has lost everything.

When it comes to pornography, I want to be an ostrich and stick my head in the sand! But I know I can't, especially after watching what has happened with my friend. This is a quote from her Facebook post, "The one message I would like to get out at this moment, is this: If you have any kind of involvement with pornography, turn away from it. Watching, even casually, is inviting bad things into your life. Even “regular” pornography is damaging but can get so much worse the more it is consumed. It isn’t healthy for your relationship. It isn’t harmless to you, and it isn’t harmless to those involved in it’s production. Please, please, do what you need to do to get it out of your life. Add all of the filters to your internet, change the location of your computer, start a twelve step program, throw your phone in the garbage. Whatever it takes."

I've realized this has to be something that we can talk about freely with spouses, children, and any other loved ones with whom we feel the need. In "The State of the Nation Report: Fractured Families," it refers to pornography as, "a hidden public health hazard exploding in part because very few are recognizing it as such or taking it seriously." In this same article, it says, "researchers have suggested that some individuals 'may never have had difficulty with sexual compulsivity if it were not for the Internet." But there is no getting around the Internet, so we have to deal with the problem and figure out how to live with the Internet and still avoid a pornography issue.

My husband travels a lot which is an added factor in temptation with pornography. We talk about it often. I hate it, but I know it's better to talk about it and avoid problems rather than assuming there is no problem and having a huge problem down the road. I am grateful that my husband is committed to avoiding pornography and is humble enough to talk with me about the challenges and temptations. Here are a few things he does to avoid the temptation:

When he checks into a hotel room he puts a picture of me on the desk.

If he needs to be on his computer, he goes to a public place, the front lobby etc.

He doesn't turn on the TV, sometimes he'll go to a movie at a theater, but he doesn't watch TV in his hotel room.

Every night he talks to me on the phone and tells me he'll "text me in the morning."

In the morning he sends me a text, telling me if he was able to keep his commitment. He'll send me a text saying, "100%" or something along those lines.

We talk about it often and are wise enough to know if you are not careful, anyone can end up with a problem. I'm grateful for the tips we have learned in the class on building "love maps," and learning to better "nurture" our spouse. Although I don't believe it's ever the spouse's fault when a partner turns to pornography, I also believe that a nurturing, open relationship can help to prevent it or at least to get help earlier when there is a problem. That's why as much as I want to, I can't put my head in the sand.