Extended Family Relationship (Lesson 13)

Last week I discussed at some length the relationships I have with in-laws and the problems that can come from blending two different backgrounds. I have been very blessed in my family relationships. I think I actually fell in love with my mother and father-in-law before I fell in love with my husband. I remember one time when I was considering my future with my then boyfriend, I thought to myself, "but if I don't marry him I won't have Dick and Miriam as my in-laws!" 
After I got married I felt complete support from them, in fact, they would tell my husband, "if anything ever happens in your marriage, we're keeping her!"  I always felt so loved and never judged. They set such a great example for me as my daughters started to marry and I began welcoming in-laws into my own family. 
I have really tried to honor and encourage my children to be independent as they begin their own families, even when that means they won't be at all of our family events. I've tried to never put pressure on them to do what I want, but rather to just offer an invitation and then to let them decide what is best for their family.  
Gloria Horsley listed five things parents-in-law should avoid. They are:
  • Giving advice
  • Criticizing
  • Pinning down reasons for missing family events
  • Criticizing or taking over the discipline of grandchildren
  • trying to control everyone and everything
By contrast, in the article "Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Families," Harper and Olsen recommend six things that parents can do to encourage a positive relationship with children in-laws:
  • accept differences
  • help develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children
  • avoid intrusion
  • only give advice that is sought
  • be accepting rather than critical
  • create opportunities to spend one-on-one time
By focusing on the positive goals and avoiding the things that can harm relationships I hope to create the same warm loving relationship with my sons-in-law that I felt toward my parents-in-law.

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